I was watching TV recently when I was introduced to the ultimate scam: Just For Men’s “Touch of Gray” hair dye.

You may be thinking to yourself, “why, Evan? Why must you go after Just For Men, a company that’s just trying to help aging males recapture the confidence of their youth? What did JFM ever do to you?”

Nothing, of course. Until now, that is. Touch of Gray is the company’s latest hair dye product that doesn’t eliminate all of the gray in your hair. That way, they say, you can still look distinguished, show your “experience” to the world. But that’s not what I say.

It’s plain and simple: hair dye that leaves some gray = hair dye that doesn’t work. I’d assume that JFM had a big stockpile of failed dye formulas sitting in their research and development facility that they were wondering what to do with. The garbage was headed for a landfill until one clever employee said: “Hey, why don’t we just sell it?”

Well I’m on to you, Just For Men. Your trickery will not stand. I am telling the world not to invest in your product. Instead, they can purchase my new line of car wash formula. It’s called “Bit o’ Dirt,” and it will get your car nearly clean, but leave some dirty patches and watermarks here and there to give it that worldly, not-fresh-from-the-car-wash look. Buy it today, just $29.99!!!

Wednesday May 14th 2008- 9:23 pm